I haven't been saying

Okay, so the thing I haven't been saying is this: I need back surgery. I'm not sure why I haven't really blogged about it. Maybe it's been an avoidance strategy, but it's going to be hard to ignore/avoid in a few weeks. So here it is:

About a year ago I hurt my hip. Or thought I hurt my hip. My hip hurt. I ignored it for about 6-8 months, hoping it would go away. Surprisingly, that didn't work. I went to the doctor who thought it might be bursitis. So I did about 6 weeks of physical therapy. That didn't help. Then we tried high dose anti-inflammatories. They didn't help. So then we did an X-ray which suggested a herniated disc. So we tried steroids. That didn't help either. Then, a little before a trip to PA (and it's possible I've written about this. I can't remember), I woke up and really couldn't stand up. My back was KILLING me. And that made my hip worse. Horrible pain in my right hip, knee, calf, and ankle. Can't sleep, can't sit, can't stand, can't walk. Awful.

So when we got back I made another appointment. This time I had an MRI which revealed a severely ruptured disc in my lower back that's pressing on a nerve (hence the hip pain) and compressing the dural sac (the thing your spinal cord -- or my spinal cord, in this case, runs to/through). I saw a neurosurgeon last week and, after realizing that I had gone through pretty much all of the viable nonsurgical options, I opted for surgery. It's scheduled for October 16th.

The timing is not great, but I should be able to get on a plane at the end of December and head to MLA in Chicago. Recovery time is 4-6 weeks on average and I can't really take that much time off, but hopefully I'll be able to at least type (probably while standing) after two weeks.

So I need to get everything together before then. This will not be easy. I have less than 2 weeks.
And I have a terrible cold -- stuffy, bad cough, ears hurt. If I can't kick it in the next week, they'll have to reschedule surgery. In short, this has not been a banner month for me.

But here's the good:
1. The panic over impending surgery is actually detracting from the job search panic. I'm surprisingly calm about that now. It always surprises me how immediate health or family concerns put everything else into perspective.

2. The time crunch may help me focus and get more work done. I've been floundering a bit lately, letting my advising duties (which I love) take over a good chunk of my time. I need to put the focus back on my own writing, job search, etc for a while. I don't really have much of a choice in the matter if I'm actually going to be on the market this year. And given that I've applied to about 20 jobs already, I'm clearly on the market. But I work best under pressure. This is some serious pressure.

3. This might sound strange, but this whole experience is making me realize that I can handle more than I thought I could. Yes, I've complained about being in pain and yes I'm quite tired of it. I can be done now. But, I haven't stopped what I need to do -- I've kept working, kept functioning, kept being present in academic, professional, and personal circles. I'm a little stronger than I might have thought I was (If I DO say so myself) and that recognition gives me more confidence and power.

4. This is, I think, the most important, impressive, and heartwarming of all the things I could list here. It's going to sound cliche and insincere. Instead, it's cliche and totally sincere. I am absolutely humbled by the support of my friends and family. I shouldn't be surprised, and in some ways I'm not, as I think the world of my friends and family, but the offers to help, to visit, to cover shifts and duties, it's really, yes, humbling is the right word. My friends have stepped up, already, in ways I didn't expect. I can't imagine a better gift than the people in my life. I am so incredibly grateful. I am layed out by it. Floored. Humbled. Grateful. Amazed. There simply aren't words strong enough to hold the weight of it. I am graced with amazing people.