Last Days

Yesterday was what I might call my officially last day in NH, except technically it wasn't. I don't leave until Wednesday morning, but yesterday was my last day out and about. Today and tomorrow are all packing and shredding. But the last two days have been pretty good. Biz and I went for sushi Friday night, then Tim came over after work and the three of us sat in my landlords' gazebo watching the storm and smoking cigars. Then yesterday, Biz, Tim, and I went to the Friendly Toast for brunch, then John met us for The Dark Knight (which is a pretty amazing movie). Then Tim and I stopped at breaking new grounds, then bullmoose, and then went for sushi (yes, two nights in a row). After dinner, we went out for a drink with Nicola at the Coat of Arms.

For the most part, it was everything I wanted to do. But it is gut-wrenchingly sad to leave these people. In my future is what appears to be a great job in a great department with great people at a great school. And that's an amazing thing. And I am grateful for and proud of it. But right now, the fact of leaving people I love is obscuring my vision. This is hard.

Thinking about the job market, I feel like I was very well prepared for sending out materials, going on interviews, going on campus visits. Part of that is due to my pretty amazing advisor. Part of that is due to reading a good book on the subject (I recommend Kathryn Hume). But the emotional side of leaving is something I'm just not well prepared for. i suppose not everyone is leaving a place they've lived for just shy of a decade. But it seems like something that doesn't get talked about often.

Being in grad school means that your friends leave. Often. Pretty much every year. It's been so long since I was the one leaving, that I think I forgot how much harder it is to leave than to be left (although being left is no picnic either. I don't mean to minimize that). When some of my best friends left, it was horrible. But it was the only thing that changed. Now it's everything. Not only am I leaving dear friends, I'm leaving a place, a school, a department, that have become home. Everything is changing. But at this point, it's the people that I'll miss most. I know this is what we do, that we'll all get through it, and I AM excited about the new job and the new department, but, to be blunt, leaving sucks.